Maroon The Spoon
Since the conception of mankind, humanity has been constantly developing, pushing forwards. Powerful empires have risen and fallen. Great rulers, hardened warriors, and inspired thinkers alike have all left their mark on history. Humanity, through the years, has remained ever changing, with new ideas and cultures emerging to accompany it. However, there is one simple fact that remains unweathered by the currents of time: the fact that forks are superior to spoons.
What makes the pronged structure of a fork so much better than the concave one of a spoon, you ask? First of all, this configuration allows a fork to impale and hold various types of comestibles, as opposed to a spoon, which can only hold objects on top of its surface. The fork’s unique prongs are sharp enough to pierce most edible material and are close enough in proximity to serve as a base, allowing most solid food items to rest upon them. Therefore, the spoon does not come close to the fork in terms of versatility, as its concavity and rounded edge limit its usefulness to holding items on top.
Any spoon supremacist who attempts to consume steaks, noodles, pasta, etc. with their utensil of choice will be disappointed at the results. Consider the fact that the spoon can only be held at an angle of 180° to be useful at all, while forks can be used at a much wider range of angles. This simple distinction makes forks far more practical in countless situations. In the words of Bridget Liang (10th), “Forks have a more enviable gender expression than spoons,” referring to the fact that forks can be used in many more ways than a spoon. The only advantage that the spoon holds over the fork is its ability to hold liquids. However, fluids can always be consumed by the simple act of drinking directly from a cup or bowl, which is much more efficient than performing the tedious task of consuming it one spoonful at a time. In all other aspects, the spoon fails to match the prestige of the fork.
What really sets the revered fork apart from the lowly spoon, however, is its effectiveness as a weapon. A spoon’s blunt, bowl-shaped terminus renders it incapable of dealing meaningful amounts of damage to an opponent. A fork, on the other hand, possesses pointed aciculae that can pierce through the skin if enough force is applied. To put it simply, “you can stab things” (Olivia Ma, 10th). If you ever find yourself in a position where you are required to defend yourself against an assailant, and your only options of armament are a fork and a spoon, wouldn’t you agree that a fork is the preferable weapon? A spoon would be useless in such situations, unlike a fork, which could be used to strike at a person’s vulnerabilities. As put by Theodore Chen (10th), “Blunt force damage is not favored in the current utensil meta. Forks simply do more damage.” All these factors add up to support the ultimate conclusion that forks are simply better than spoons.
Forks For Dorks
Rivalries and competition between Earth’s long-living citizens start debates to determine superiority. Friendships have been mended and destroyed, and no matter how one attempts to find a solution for this “problem”, an answer has never been found. As times are changing, a response has emerged: spoons are superior to forks.
This curved structure is able to accomplish tasks forks can only do in their wildest dreams. For example, carrying liquids in its arciform configuration is what sets apart the useful utensils from the ineffective utensils. Everyone’s favorite dishes — varieties of soups, jello, and syrup additives — can only be accessed by the usage of the elliptical-depth implement. Whether it's letting the butter stream off the metallic spoon onto the skin of your turkey for Thanksgiving, or consuming the tomato soup while you’re sick, the spoon is essential. A fork is also a lot more dangerous than a spoon; when using a fork, one may accidentally poke themself or scratch their teeth, whereas spoons have a smooth surface that are almost incapable of creating pain. As a wise comrade once said, “Forks are sharp therefore stab therefore murder therefore genocide therefore the end of humanity.” Forks are essentially the doom of humanity. The chance of prodding the back of your throat is far too risky and may ruin your entire meal, as you would feel a tingling feeling and not know whether you’re bleeding or not.
One of the most common breakfast foods, cereal, also surrounds the idea of spoons. And if breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then cereal is one of the most important foods of the day. One fellow ally in this tireless crusade against the depraved fork-lovers says, “Spoons are able to hold liquids as well as fine particles ideal for eating cereal,” speaking for a majority of the BASIS students.
Along with domination in the breakfast category, the word “spoon” is just a better word in general. First, there's a popular card game called Spoons, and unless I'm misinformed, I’m not hearing of any world renowned game revolving around forks. Along with the card game, spoon-flinging contraptions are also a nostalgic childhood favorite. Peas and mini food morsels being flung left and right using spoon-catapults are always depicted in children's books, demonstrating spoons’ popularity over forks.